There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
