the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
