12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
