Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(630): View more from Illinois

Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.

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(707): View more from California

there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?

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(515): View more from Iowa

mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.

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(614): View more from Ohio

not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...

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(214): View more from Texas

As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.

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(425): View more from Washington

Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted

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(713): View more from Texas

I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.

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