so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
