My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
