she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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