Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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