im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize