just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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