How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
