sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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