people are starting to question the shark bite story
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
