Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
