I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
