I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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