why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
