Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
