you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
MIDGETS
????
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
