Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
