So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
two words: eviction party
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
