just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
