Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
