Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
