I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
