Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
