Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
