If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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