I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I believe in your delicious
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize