i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
