party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
