i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
