btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
