My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
