i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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