I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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