Nicole vs. Life
barbara walters just said penis...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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