my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
