Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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