so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
