I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
We got so high we made milksteak
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
