Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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