Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
