So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize