She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
