I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
