I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
