She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Randomize
