in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
