a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
