oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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