What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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