I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
