I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
