I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
