Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
