I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
When did angry sex become our thing?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
