Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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