i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
