Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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