last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
