Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
