Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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