So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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