We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
