Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
